Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic opera The Pirates of Penzance is best-remembered for its patter song, sung by Major General Stanley, near the end of the first act:
This is an excellent song, and a great demonstration of a classical education. So, why not learn what he’s singing about!
| # | Line | Category |
| 1 | I am the very model of a modern Major-General, | Declarative |
| 2 | I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral, | Misc |
| 3 | I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical | History |
| 4 | From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; | History |
| 5 | I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, | Mathematics |
| 6 | I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, | Mathematics |
| 7 | About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news, | Mathematics |
| 8 | With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. | Mathematics |
| 9 | I’m very good at integral and differential calculus; | Mathematics |
| 10 | I know the scientific names of beings animalculous: | Biology |
| 11 | In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, | Repeat |
| 12 | I am the very model of a modern Major-General. | Declarative |
| 13 | I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s; | Literature |
| 14 | I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox, | Literature |
| 15 | I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, | History |
| 16 | In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous; | Mathematics |
| 17 | I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, | Art |
| 18 | I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes! | Literature |
| 19 | Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore | Music |
| 20 | And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore | Music |
| 21 | Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform | Linguistics |
| 22 | And tell you ev’ry detail of Caractacus’s uniform | History |
| 23 | In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral | Repeat |
| 24 | I am the very model of a modern Major-General | Declarative |
| 25 | In fact, when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin” | Military |
| 26 | When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin | Military |
| 27 | When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at | Military |
| 28 | And when I know precisely what is meant by “commissariat” | Military |
| 29 | When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery | Military |
| 30 | When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery | Military |
| 31 | In short, when I’ve a smattering of elemental strategy | Military |
| 32 | You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee | Declarative |
| 33 | For my military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury | Declarative |
| 34 | Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century | Declarative |
| 35 | But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral | Repeat |
| 36 | I am the very model of a modern Major-General | Declarative |
From this, we can clearly derive the priorities in the song of what the Major-General has learned:
As you can see, the largest single topic discussed is on Military subjects, although it is mostly in wishing that he knew them better. After all, the point of the song is ironically pointing out how this esteemed officer seems to know everything except the skills needed to do his job!
Art
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
Raphael, as you probably know, was one of the Renaissance’s greatest artists. Taking inspiration from old Roman sculpture, he paved the way for new levels of realism and depth in art unseen in centuries. If it’s a stereotypical Renaissance painting, it’s more likely an undoubted Raphael than a Gerrit Dou or Zoffany.
Gerrit Dou was a painter of the Dutch Golden Age, when the Dutch gained naval riches and put it into fine works of art. Dou was part of a larger trend of realist painters a student of Rembrandt, and more particularly his trademark was his excellent ability to portray candlelit scenes. If it’s poorly-lit and looks really good, that could be Dou.
Johan Joseph Zoffany was the most-contemporary named painter. His specialty was the “theatrical conversation piece”, a small, quick group portrait of a family or circle of friends. So if it’s a American Revolution-era British family, it’s a Zoffany.
Biology
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
You know this one, animalculous beings are what we’d today call single-celled organisms. Luckily, germ theory has progressed greatly from where we once were. To give a bit more knowledge, scientists break down life into six kingdoms: Animals, Plants, Fungi, Protists, Bacteria and Archaea. The last 3 are entirely single-celled. If you’d like to know the exact scientific names of a few, I’d recommend Sulfolobus solfataricus, which is an Archaea that lives in volcanoes, or Diatoms, little algae cells that have shells that make limestone.
Linguistics
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
This is probably the single greatest hurdle in the entire challenge: Cuneiform is a tough script to learn! As one of the earliest ways of writing down words, made with a stylus into wet clay, the symbols are difficult for the modern reader to decipher:
The internet provides again, with a website devoted to the subject.
When I give it “Wash my toga”, it yields the following:
History
Of course, a great deal of this song is historical, the point of the song being that the Major General is something of an antique himself.
Of course, being a British Major General he’d know the history of his homeland first and foremost. The history of England proper begins when it was simply abandoned by the crumbling Roman Empire in AD 410. Then-Emperor Honorius, not remembered fondly, needed the armies stationed in Britain to fight the Vandals. The Vandals, however, sacked Rome anyways, leaving their name forever associated with destruction. They got a better deal than the Goths.
Anyways, suddenly the place that is now England and Wales was politically independent with no warning. This was the sharp beginning of the period known as “Sub-Roman Britain”, where numerous small kingdoms arose to defend their immediate area:
The island was settled by Angles, Saxons and Jutes around that time. They would go on to incorporate into many petty kingdoms across Britain.
Three centuries later we meet the first king of note, Alfred the Great, King of Wessex, which would in time unite all of the kingdoms in what is now considered England. He’s also the first one to call himself “King of the Angles and Saxons”, an important testament to his long-term goal. His rule was marked by the containment of the Norse invasions that were happening at that time.
His descendants would go on to rule England, more or less, until the invasion of William, Duke of Normandy, better known as William the Conqueror. In 1066, he defeated King William Godwinson at the Battle of Hastings, establishing a new French nobility onto the existing Anglo-Saxon nobility.
The Normans reformed English governance, putting the yoke on the island and bringing Latin terms to the existing Germanic language. From this fusion we end up with our mixed substrates. As pointed out in Farnsworth’s Guide to English Style (a much more interesting read than it sounds), English retains two words for everything: a simple Germanic and a flowery Latin:
| Happy | Joyous |
| King | Monarch |
| Make | Create |
| Need | Require |
| Chicken | Poultry |
Eventually, as is the case with most conquering aristocracies, the Normans became more Saxon, and vice-versa. This happened especially after King John “Lackland” lost most of the land in France. He’s also the king to sign the Magna Carta, making this the second time I’ve brought the document up. He’s also the bad King John from any number of Robin Hood films.
From there, we enter the terrain of kings that were close enough to Shakespeare’s time to be immortalized in plays due to good record-keeping, but far enough away from him to be open to criticism without impugning his commissioners, Elizabeth and later James VI and I. The confusing title of the latter is due to a whole thing where England and Scotland finally decided to just intermarry after years of constant conflict, and keeping the regnal numbers of both where they differed to show that the relationship was a joint project.
James’s son Charles I was a right jerk, and a huge civil war broke out between him and parliament.
After Charles was beaten in the field, he was “tried” by Parliament and hanged.
He was succeeded by Oliver Cromwell, who ruled as Lord Protector, a king in everything but title.
I’ll continue this, but this is a good start.